February 14 Journal Entries Since 1994 to 2004

Below are some of the compilations and excerpts of my February 14 Journal entries since 1994. Please forgive my grammars, sipunin pa po ako nuon. hehe

I also would like to warn you, the entries are full of cheesy and corny stuffs, so I were you, don't read, just comment! haha!

February 14, 1994 (MTR)

I know it is a month of love; I am really in love. I wish we can talk but I just don’t have the courage to tell you how and what I feel. I thought I am a man, and wanted to act like a man. But I realize I am just a simple boy, this lanky short, skinny young man had nothing to offer the girl who has almost everything, beauty, brain, material things, family, and freedom to live itself. 

I have to live each day; sometimes bearing the pain of things by working with my hands just to survive .It is not a story to tell, but a reality that really happens. I do not have the power to change my life for a moment but I have the power to change the direction of the path I am traversing.

 I was not born in this fate, the fate to fail. 

I was born a winner, a special son of my Father in Heaven. 

This boy came here because my Father wanted me to grow strong, faithful, and true. 

He did not send me here destined to fall and wallow in self-pity and mediocrity. And though I don’t have a card cut into heart shape today, I have a heart that is alive, kind, and caring, something that cannot be seen everyday but can be felt. I hope you can feel that, my love.

February 14, 1996(MTR)

Everybody is busy; friends and pals greeted me happy Valentines Day. I just think of you today, and tonight when I arrived home from the on-the-job training, I wrote a loveletter to you. That’s what I do. Tonight, I wrote to you some questions that needed some answers. I ask if you love me, to please reply to this letter. Perhaps, you would learn to love me too someday, just give me this one more chance. (Everyday since I mailed that letter, I kept on dropping by the post office hoping to receive a reply from you. I waited in vain. Now, I decided to stop this craziness for you for the last time.)

February 14, 1998(MTR)

...I look at my hands, and think how many times that it touches your right hand? I think this is the only part that touches the two of us, whenever we met at the church and shook each other’s hand. But, somehow, there is a much deeper touch that you did to my heart even it was not touched by you - YOU TOUCHED MY VERY SOUL. I close my eyes. How many times did we talked and exchanged words to each other? Can only be counted by my fingers, right? But I think every time our eyes met, we spoke things that no one quite understood except you and me. I also have so much fear and disguise that time. I quickly surrender my eyes when we are staring at each other, afraid that you might see the secret I’ve been keeping for years, the love in my eyes. Can you not see it? Years had passed, many things happened. The hand that touches your right hand had been bruised and calloused as I worked to survive and live life with a little comfort. The magic of these small fingers in writing what I felt is amazing to me. The heart that was quickened by your memory sometimes feels pain, sadness, and joy but the love for you remain to be strong and true. These eyes, these eyes had seen the light and truth and sometimes will shed tears of sorrows and disappointments and joy and happiness, but it did not change its look to you…" Somehow, this is real love...

February 14, 1999
(This is the last poem and last communication sent to MTR while I am on my mission.)

Five years had passed, No one answered, Nobody knows, I kept it- though it hurts me.

I fooled myself.
LOVE-if it’s not you, then who?
We will meet again.

When? How?
I don’t know. I need to ask. I want to know. I’ll keep it, if it hurts me,
I’m not a fool.
LOVE - if it’s not me, then who?

We will meet again.
In HIS time.
Through HIS will.
I have no hope,
If it’s you,
If it be me,
HE knows it all.
He knows me.

I love you still, and will always will even until eternity.

-Kenj

February 14, 2000(F2R)

...I was wishing that someday, somehow, somewhere, I will smile to a girl and that would be the start of the love I am hoping for. I dream that someday, somehow, somewhere, I will sit beside a girl and that will be the start of the love I am dreaming of...They say that 'if you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself', you found Love. They say that 'if you meet someone who will hold you at your weakest, see you at your ugliest, and love you at your worst, then YOU FOUND LOVE'. Today, I found a girl turning to be a woman in the fold of God. Today I found love, real and true and lasting, YOU.

February 14, 2001 (F2R)

...I waited for you so long though I know that someday, you will come with your wonderful arrow. Whoever you are, I know you will. I just don't know when, where and what will be the circumstance. I never thought all I have to do is simply turn around and there you were, reaching your hand to hold me and fill my life with so much love and joy. So simple that when I look into your eyes, I know it is you I've been waiting for.
No sensational revelation. No fanfare. No dramatic lines.
Quietly, you just came and your hand fits mine and holds me along the way. 

(As I lead you along the way) Thank you for coming into my life.

February 14, 2002 (F2R)
SECRET LOVE
Unexpectedly, you came into my life
The very first time I saw you, love was around
Captured my mind and my very heart
I longed to see you always and hold your dainty hands.
I closed my eyes before the night ends
Reminiscing the days, memory of your lovely face
The sweet smiles, the tantalizing eyes
It soothes the soul - gives meaning to my life!
Admittedly, this feeling will always be secretly keep
But throbbing in my heart, occupying my thoughts and dreams
Sometimes it is painful, sometimes difficult to explain
But it will remain with me, until the time to reveal.
Am I madly in love, lose my sanity or decent obsession?
Enchanted, potioned, blinded, or undying admiration
Call me everything, but girl you're all I wanted
The greatest gift I longed to receive.
When faith is all I have and hope is wavering,
The difference between us is like Heaven and Earth
Let the fate decide, let faith and miracle be made
And God be thanked for your wonders!

February 14, 2003 (F2R)

...You almost fill my thoughts all the time these past few months. I do not know what have I done to suffer this madness (and what's in you that I am crazy with) that is to think of you almost everyday of my life since I met you. I wonder who will be powerful enough to replace your memory in my heart and in my mind for truly, I am inspired. I wanted to forget you. I really tried. But almost every week when we meet and talk and exchange smiles, words and looks, I can help but love you more and wished I am a charming prince to capture your admiration. I look into your eyes, I think I saw a flickering hope that somehow you might like me too, but I don't want to assume…

February 14, 2004 (F2R)

...But for someone like me, those worries are under control, they will not blur my perspective in pursuing for a better life. I know it feels heavy, no, it is taking its toll, a little discouraging at times, a little scary but somehow, God and love gives me so much inspiration to carry on, to hold on, coupled with my faith that God is at the helm of all this things. I was watching Small Ville, the series I've been following through because I feel like the hero there, his love, and his life, in his secret, in his desire to live a normal and happy life. Everyday for me is like a TV series with all its challenges, its worries, and many complicated things. Like SMALLVILLE, I feel like Clark Kent, the boy-turn-into-superhero who always take people out of mess or protect them from dangers and harm. I may not be as hunk and handsome as Clark, I may not have superpowers like laser eyes, steel body, speed of light or the ability to fly. I may not have the capacity to safeguard people from harm but I always feel like him...I wanted to be true to you, to those who cared for me and most importantly, to myself. Just like Clark, 'WHATEVER THE FUTURE MAY HOLD, I'LL MAKE SURE TO HOLD ON TO WHAT IS RIGHT."

Hope you enjoyed this entry...bukas naman po ang sa pinakamamahal ko na si Mrs. Thoughtskoto, nakasaved pati text messages namin sa isa't each other. hehe. I will ask her consent na ipost iyun. Happy Valentines sa lahat ng mga minamahal namin and mga friends and Kablogs namin.

©2009 THOUGHTSKOTO

We Will Not Always be the Same

My brother arrived from vacation and brought with him hundreds of photos of my hometown, my friends, my cousins and relatives, and the places I missed myself after nearly a decade.

There are many nephews and nieces I can't recognize, and toddler's names I don't know. Some of my cousin get big, not just in sizes, but problems as well. Some becomes too dark, and too skinny. Almost all my Uncle's and Aunt's have gray hairs and Grandma can't see anymore.

Almost all my friends changed either the shape of their face or the size of their bodies. Some of my most admired people in our place are not admirable anymore. Some feared man when I was young is reduce to almost nothing now. Some people who possessed great lands and wealth are selling their lands now. Some beauty queens I know are now domestic helpers in Hongkong or Singapore, and my valedictorian classmate who married a rich man is now separated and she is now working in Dubai.

Some good people I wanted to emulate are not nice anymore. Some powerful politician are not powerful anymore. Some small and simple people before are leaders in our place now, some poor people before are not poor anymore.

There is a cycle in life. Life really is a lot like a wheel, sometimes, you're up, sometimes too you're down. But when you "do good continually" and live life the way you wanted it to be, treat others the way you want them to treat you, then life goes on, progressing, inch by inch, towards our goal.

There are some shortcut to glory, but it's dangerous and could lead to failure. The proven way to live life and be successful is to be patient in working and striving for those dreams.

I never thought I will be this goodlooking guy (here we go again, please forgive me of my honesty and overbearing vanity) and never would I thought marrying someone so beautiful (no one will question me that). (:-

We will not always be the same, the way we look, the way we think, the way we are, but somethings will stay the same and will never change. The memories of the past cannot be altered, but they can be cherished. The memories can renewed the friendship we build, and build enthusiasm in our busy lives and keep in touch to those we care and love.

We will not always be the same, our physical and mental and emotional aspects in life will always improve or wear out, but that is life, like a wheel.

©2008 THOUGHTSKOTO