Monday, February 13, 2006

WHO's GOING WITH ME?

Since 02 May 1993 
13Feb2006 KSA

WHO'S GOING WITH ME?
Dear Kiana,


It's been a while that I haven’t written you about what's up and how are my life doing lately, dear Kiana. (Kiana is the name of my journal, for those who do not know) 
Anyway, this special write-up took me almost 114,000 hours to finish. I hope I can convey the message I wish to tell my significant other FATE, For All Time & Eternity…somewhere out there…and to please my friends in their musings…etc (hehehe)This piece are all excerpts of my journal entries ever since love began and I put it into a one long write-up for her. I am tired of writing, it's time to move on and work out for those dreams that I have written in the sands, in the wall, in a mango tree, in my journal, in my website, in my web logs and in my heart. 

Well, after my coming here in Saudi, there was a considerable amount of realization and outpouring of blessings into my life. I have been sprayed with so many good things that I am so thankful to the Great God of Heaven for all He bountifully blessed me. I have loved and unsuccessful in many years when it comes to my love affairs, no matter how many people will think I am a booming person. The experiences become the turning point in my life. Well, 6 years courting a girl and four (4) years loving a girl secretly was too long that I could have find a wife to marry at the temple, but God works so mysteriously that when we submit to His will, He will do His part. I never knew that because of those dealings, I would have a 360 degrees turn around, or a shift of blueprint that brought me to where I am now and make me the better person than I thought I already am. (You won’t get it, unless you know my story di ba Kiana?) Hehehe

Well, the shifting of gear was the Lord’s plan, I believe. I was reminded of my patriarchal blessing that says, “Marriage is important but be self-reliant first after your mission and be professional to enter a new life. A woman within the fold of God understands what eternal marriage is.” 
To my understanding, it was a literal pronouncement. So I assisted my other siblings in college after my mission, then work on my self-sufficiency by working in Manila to two different companies. I was doing quite well in those two jobs, but the salary was meager and both of my siblings are in college. I was literally crawling then, so marriage was put to hold for a while. You see, as Priesthood holder and struggling financially, a reality bites. I don’t have the courage to tell any woman that I’ll marry her in the temple especially that I dreamed of giving her and the kids that will come to us a better life than the one that I was born into. God really is great! In a miraculous story, the opportunity to work abroad came and after many fasting and praying earnestly to God, after counseling with Him, and after a quiet sense of confidence was received that all has a purpose, and it will be well, I grabbed the opportunity without hesitation. Nine (9) hours of a jet lagging flight, I landed Bahrain and traveled Saudi Arabia, pinickup ako ng Bishop at dinala sa meetinghouse kung saan nag-iipon ang mga members. The next day, I reported to my work, meet my boss and my Filipino workmates. See, parang kailan lang, heto, I am turning two years after a few more months. 

Both my siblings are working and are doing quite well in their lives now, and both are vigorous in their church callings. I am doing quite well in my callings as well, never faltering in my tithing, reading the scriptures and praying to Him day and night. Physically, I am progressing; getting some; muscles slowly filling the lanky frames, and gaining some weight. Cuteness never falters, ever since the world began…jebee, kenji, jebz, bf, jiken, is almost the same in the outside, but hopefully getting better in the inside.(Kapal!hehehe) Emotionally, I become strong as ever before. I have come to realize many things. I learned that love if one sided is not enough to make both people happy. Love always begets love, and if love given is not reciprocated, it will swing back tomorrow tenfold. Financially, there is a little savings for the rainy season, and a little to make life a little better for my princess and our kids. Hoping to be able to put up a business and someday serve a mission again as a couple and reach out to people out there. Mentally, I am a Chemist adept in Computer but love writing compositions and articles. I don't dream to be a writer; I just wanted to touch people's lives. Reading had been my passion aside from music (Half of my PC hard disk capacity are all music) I never ceases to learn and even attempting to enroll in a distant learning program. Those are my happiness- my life, literally. As I said earlier, I am amply blessed to which I am so grateful to my God.

But there is a dream I really wanted to accomplish. This is my commitment. All my life was and is centered to this one and ultimate goal that I am working of. I have prepared for it since I become a member at the age of ten (10). I would admit these are my thoughts and dreams, feelings and desires that I have in my mind and in my heart for several years now. Actually, since I was released from my mission. To LOVE a woman, BE LOVED by that woman, and kneel face to face with her inside the sealing room at the temple, holding her hands and make a promise to love her now and forever. 
I have said it several times before, NO DESCRIPTION, NO QUALIFICATION, and NO SPECIFICATION. I love her, she loves me. Period.

Though sometimes, some things usually generate the feeling. It is something that you sense, others seem to call it "a spark" or "a magic", and I simply termed it…the magnet.
There is something in a woman that creates a strong magnet to me, there are three actually, one is visible to the natural eye, and the other two needed some spiritual sight to sense it. I don't need to say it here; it is a hallowed thing for me. Naisip ko lang po, di dapat ipinapangalandakan yun. (matinis na tagalog yun ah! Hehehe) Well, sige na nga, since kinda bitin. The natural magnets are her fingers, and the unseen magnets are her kind heart and a beautiful mind. But you can't tell, once real and true love strikes you, no matter what or who she is, there is no escape. 

Love has been a part of me. I fall in love so many times; I love a girl or a woman and expressed that love in not only down-to-earth way, but in true and real manner. Each and everyone in different time and settings, it looks to me that they are my life. From the moment I wake up in the morning and say my morning prayers, to the rest of the day, I was thinking of her whoever she is at that time. I built dreams with her, I worked hard for her and I was trying to look good for her (though it doesn’t matter, and no matter how hard I try, cute na pow talaga me eh, Nyehehe). I lie down at night with thoughts of her. But I realize many truths that helped me in my resolution and my shifting of paradigms. I maybe loved the girl more than my life, and after doing so, even giving all of my best, she won’t feel anything for me, I know it’s time to move on and find another one. No one teaches a bird to fly, no one teaches a fish to swim, they just do. No one teaches me and can teach me whom to love, I just do, and if time comes that those girls and women I've love won't love me in return, it's time for me to move on and forget that once I did fall in love. God knows how much I love them. But whatever I’ll do if she don't love me, she will never be happy and I will never be happy too. I am human that needed love too, if the love I have though real and true will not be reciprocated, then it will not sustain. Real fulfillment and happiness is to give love and to receive love. The giver feel a sense of fulfillment, the receiver will feel a sense of joy and vice versa…I have no regret or hard feelings towards those women, I feel blessed that I had given them my love, freely, unselfishly…if they will accept it, better and I’ll be forever happy, if not, then, okay lang...try and try even till mamatay?!! Hehehe Joke lang. They have their choices and they have the right to choose. I have my sense of self-worth though, I won’t stick myself that they will like or loved me too…kung ayaw, eh di ayaw! Kung wag, eh di wag!!! (bwahahaha, yabang, hangin…!) Joke lang pow…Seriously, to those who know me, they know that I am a martyr…in fact I was a victim twice. I died twice because of love. Three is my favorite number. My blogs or write-up THE POWER OF THREE will explain why. So the 3rd time I will fall in love, there will never be death anymore…it will be eternal..(nyehehehe!) Wish ko lang!

I have been blessed also to received love from wonderful women out there…I don’t know what have I done that the Great God of Heaven have blessed me with so much love from brilliant women from all walks of life. They are not only ordinary women; they are women of beauty and caliber, stability and testimony…with character and principles founded in the gospel. I hope I don’t sound boastful if I will admit there are more than a few of them. For several times, I tried forging relationship with them. Some worked out for a few months, some even a year, they love me for who I am, for what I am and willing to accept what and who I may become. That makes me feel dwarfed…dwarf because of so much humility and gratitude to those great women out there, some of them may be reading this piece now. But again, it is discouraging to know that no matter what I’ll do and for some, whatever the woman will do, I can’t feel the magnet that will keep the relationship. It is sad to say that I am not happy and there is no inspiration for me to do what’s best for her to make her happy and even be my best. The relationship will end for both of us to be merely best friends. She loves me, even so much but I don’t love her. I have known many girls and wonderful women, who loved an LDS guy so much that they even sacrifice for him, bleeding in pain for him, praying and fasting for him, even silently loving him and yet the guy seems blind and deaf towards her. My heart reaches out to these kinds of women out there. I also known a few men who will love a woman so true, so firm, and so real yet that woman doesn't have any feeling for him. What can we do? What will I do? We move on, hoping that someone, sometime, somehow, somewhere in some ways we will find the one we will spend our FATE with. Nope, FATE as in For All Time and Eternity…hehehe

You know I am scared in plunging into a force relationship, I mean a relationship that is shallow, and love is not enough to sustain it. There will be a tendency to look for the one that I really love, someone that will inspire to make the most of myself. I have said it many times, and I will say it again…di po ito kaning isusubo, pag mainit iluluwa, or ulam na pag di nagustuhan ang lasa, idudura. Perhaps, that’s why Pres Hinckley said, “This will be the most important decision of your life, choosing the individual whom you marry.” I wonder why Dad left Mom? I wonder why there were so many divorces, separations and broken marriages in today’s world. I may sound old fashioned, well, I am straight thinking maybe but it is the fact, people marry because they are in love…today...but how about forever. I always believe that if both the man and the woman love each other, they will accept each other’s differences, there will be reception of weaknesses and failures, and there will be understanding and resolution to work out for each weakness with both faith and love and hope. Then the journey maybe rough and tough, but with someone you truly love and who love you too, all will be well, all is well!

You see, I am still finding for that woman that I love and who love me too. I hope I don't sound conceited or egotistical if I will announce my firm belief that I have the capacity to make any girl that I love have the joy and happiness she is longing for. I am no Superman, I cannot do everything but with my faith, hope, and love, and even beyond that, I have a noble desire to make her and the kids that will come with us, happy. There is only one source of true happiness and joy, by loving the Lord, walking in His ways, and side-by-side with my dear princess dealing with the trials and challenges of life. It will eventually mold us, refine us and strengthen us as individual and as a family.

Michael J. Wilcox in his fireside talk to the Single Adults, How Will I Know said there are two important questions facing single adults now. Where I am going? Who's going with me? To those active in the Church, the first question should not be a problem; we are all hoping to go to Celestial Kingdom. The second question is the focus right now, WHO IS GOING WITH ME? You see, it is not a vice versa. I don't want to ask who is going with me, and get married and then work out where are we going? I have never tried a relationship with non-lds women and then planned where we are going. To my friends and pals out there, never ever sell yourself short. The greatest gift a man/woman who truly loves you and whom you love too can give is a temple marriage.
Don't gamble your eternities with someone who is not willing to live with you forever. And don't ever settle for someone you don't truly love! Both for me are suicides!

I am going to Celestial Kingdom, Who's going with me? It is such a simple question. My dear princess, you have to understand I cannot go there alone. You can't go there alone too. The places where the Great Gods lives are places of Loving Partners. I never falter in praying for you to come, and if you came, I never falter in praying for us to establish relationship even though I am here and you are somewhere. Have you heard my prayers for you? Can you see it through my eyes? Nope, it is not a fairytale. It is a reality. I am hoping for you. I may not be a knight in a shining armor. I may not be a thousand other things, but there is more to me than you may see or know. I hope I don't sound eerie telling you this. Let me kneel with you, hold your caring hands, and behold the love in your eyes and the sweet smile in your lips…F.A.T.E. Di naman pow me desperate, some say I'm still young, some sarcastic ghastly geek reminds me I am old at 29, there is a bright future ahead, there is no need to hurry…I might find her soon or not, she will come soon or not, life is still great and love will always be around. I just have to keep myself worthy of the priesthood that I hold, and make myself worthy of her love and trust, so when she is found or she comes, I will be ready for a walk with her, not just on May or September, but Forever.

Well, Kiana, nagdadrama si bf Kenji mo. Have to go now. Lovesick lang yan, painumin mo ng Lovecixillin, overdose mo na ng matauhan. (heheehe) hey see you next time!


-jebz

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